One step closer to healing

I will write more on this when I have a bit more time....but I just wanted to say thank you to Leigh who replied here and all of the amazing women who replied on a wonderful midwifes blog that I ranted on. I felt the love and the support and got advice and websites. I know healing comes in waves but right now I feel so wonderful and even guilty for still hanging on to this pain and regret, because some women don't have their babies to hug and kiss and I do, and what is more important than that? Thank you. 28 hours of pain and 6 weeks of healing and all of the fear was worth it to have him and I would do it all again times a million if I could have the same outcome that I got. So thank you all for helping me on my path. I feel loved and love heals. Thank you.

But all that truly matters is that he is here with us...

God I wish I could find the article, but it was some celebrity saying that she went through 7 hours of labor without an epidural and that she felt 'like a champion!'. What the fuck ever! I went through 23 hours of BACK LABOR without an epidural BEFORE being rushed to the ER so they could cut me open (after telling me I could "lose him") and rip my baby out of me (cutting his cord immediately and giving him jaundice)....and I felt like the biggest loser with so much guilt and most likely always will.

I would've DIED if my mom didn't spray my lower back with HOT water for most of the last half of HELL. (meaning the part where my stupid midwife wasn't making my husband drive me back and forth from our house)- (have you ever had multiple back contractions sitting in your car!?!?) so that I could have some hot water, (my only relief!!!!), because the tubs at the birth center were all being taken although at that point, I WAS THE ONLY ONE CURRENTLY IN LABOR!! BITCHES! Not to mention scaring the shit out of my husband who has suffered tragedy before.


Did I mention that they GLUED the glasses that the baby had to wear under the lights to his 1 day old face!? GLUE! Then, to top it all of they wouldn't let me eat...for days! They said I would have gas and it would hurt the incision that was closed by a bunch of gross staples. EXCUSE ME!? Did I just work my ASS OFF for over a day birthing this baby!? and you bitches are telling me I can't eat? I think I was in an alternate universe. Thank God my mom snuck me in some homemade veg soup and after that my man fed me.

I know....at least he is alive and safe here with me and that I made it too. Don't get me wrong, everyday I'm grateful for that and that truly is all that matters that we are all together...but that doesn't make what happened right.
PS, how could a trained midwife not only be 4 weeks off on a due date but also not know if the baby is breech and backwards!! Seems like those would be 2 very important things to know.

I forgot the saddest/sweetest part

Right when the procedure from hell was finished, Bubba leapt into Daddy's arms and Daddy said to him "say thank you to the dentist" and Bubba, through tears and trauma, said "thank you" He's a better person than I am, thats for damn sure.

Can't believe it

I finally got my tongue and nose pierced. I was so happy to have my nose done again. It hurt for 1 second. The piercer was so good. Then I decided to get my tongue pierced. I had wanted this for a good 10 years now but always thought it would hurt too bad and my X never wanted me to do it. My man, and son were waiting in the car because no children allowed still...hehe..so I got both done and went out and surprised him. He is so cool, he loves it and has helped me during the painful healing time. Another few weeks and I should be good as new, with 2 new piercings. Tattoos to come, when time and money allow, but now I am very happpy...very very happy. It hurt like a bitch when she stuck the needle in, but she was good. Breathing helped a lot. Everyone told me to breathe, for about 20 hours while I was in labor and it didn't help at all! But when I was concentrating on breathing while I was getting pierced, it helped a lot.

Bubba's first trip to the dentist was this morning. IT WAS TRAUMATIZING! It was supposed to be a free, 20 minute check up. I guess babies are supposed to go in at 12 months or when they get their first tooth, so I thought I should take him in now seeing as he's 20 months and has 16 teeth and counting! Turned out to be over an hour of trauma! 2 of his teeth had decay on it. Most likely because I still let him suck on that damn bottle, although I brush his teeth a lot and he is good at letting me. Anyways, she gave him some med, like baby valium to relax him (but he spit 2/3 of it out so was still wide awake) and then some of the good nitris laughing gas, and then he was supposed to lay still while she scraped off the decay, filled it, glazed it, and dried it. Long story short, I was ready to punch everyone in the room in the face about 2 minutes into this ordeal for holding my baby down so tight. The nitris mask was over his eyes so he was scared. Crazy chick holding his head still (bitch!), she was the worst. The dentist scraping away while he was bleeding, trying to bite her, screaming, shaking, snorting, choking, crying, and breaking mama's heart. The worst part is that Daddy had to hold his hands and I had to hold his little legs. I would probably do it all again because now his teeth are very clean and I just have to keep on brushing, and the decay that would have turned into a cavity is gone. So, between over an hour of Bubba crying, having to come up with $130 on a moments notice, and traumatizing my son again, forgetting to take my pain pill for my tongue, and losing my temper with my man because I felt so bad for giving Bubba this damn bottle when he wants it, we had a great morning! heh. Thank God Michael took a couple of hours off work this morning to come with us. Sebastian really needed him and I really needed him. Little man is sleeping right now which he needed. Now, Michael and I are talking about us going to the dentist...neither of us can remember the last time we went, definitely over a decade ago. I guess it will be our turn to cry...

Tattoos and Fire...or the lack of both...

So, my brother gave me a $50 gift certificate to a local tattoo shop that he won at a bar for stripping better than the other guy. We decided today was finally the day I could get one of the 5 new tats I want...since I'm not currently pregnant or breastfeeding and since it would be free mostly! So, we called ahead and they said we didn't need an appointment if we came early, so we bundled up the baby and took off...it's only about 20 minutes away...plus the time it took us to find a parking space (we still aren't used to downtown parking and always forget to have quarters handy). So, we walk in and the guy says there are no kids allowed. This pissed me off because I needed them there to help me with the pain, and its not like hes going to tear the place apart (completely), so anyways, we decided Daddy would take him across the street to the library while I got 1 or 2 tattoos! YES! FINALLY! And thanks to my brother, this might actually be affordable! Then the dude says, let me see if theres a spot open, goes to the back, comes back up and says they are booked but I could leave $50 and make an appointment for another day! WTF! I said to him, my husband just called and you told us to come early, so we did. He really had no response, just wanted me to leave a deposit and make and appointment...I did neither and left, and pouted and bitched to my poor husband for about an hour. I really want to spend this GC...my brother did a lot to earn it and he gave it to me of all people! plus I want tattoos sooo bad! But, now I hate this place. But I really want at tattoo, I think I've mentioned that, OR A NOSE PIERCING! I had one once before, my step-mom took me to get it. I loved it, until my X accidentally tugged on it and it bled everywhere and I gave up on it. But me and my man think they are sexy, so I called the place back to see if they had a piercer. They don't but a couple towns north does. So, for whatever reason, I'm thinking about forgoing my tattoos until my bday or anniversay or some other occasion, and driving up and getting a piercing tommorrow! We shall see :) Thanks brother!


As for fire....My 20 month year old son always watches Daddy start fires in our wood stove and tries to help. We know he is fascinated by the matches and always has Grandma light them for him so he can blow them out. At first this was cute because I thought he would be ready for his 2nd birthday cake. But I've noticed his obsession growing. Tonight, Daddy accidentally left the 'strike on box kitchen wood matches' on the counter. Bubba is so tall now that he can reach the counter and he got the box. I told Daddy not to look at him or take them away or react because I really wanted to see what would happen. Under a very controlled environment while I was watching him without him knowing, and Daddy ready to jump at any moment, we waited to see what could possibly happen if we left them in his range again. He opened the box, got out a match, held it by the wood end, struck it against the side of the box, ONCE!!! And in less than a second, a huge flame! My baby was holding a lit match! Not to mention the open box of matches less than an inch away that could go up in smoke, not to mention the house! I could not believe it. My heart stopped. Of course Daddy got to him in one second and blew it out and now we have promised to only store them on the top top shelf on the cabinet, but still!!! Of course we all hear about how kids playing with matches burn the house down, but my 20 month old!?!?!? With his little tiny hands!! ON HIS FIRST TRY! ALL BY HIMSELF!!! I wouldn't believe it unless I saw it. Oh goodie, ANOTHER Thing to be extremely paranoid about...what is this, #4328? and still counting!! I had no idea how precisely babies mimick us until recently. I knew he was a genius but seriously! SERIOUSLY!!

I remembered some more stuff about me!

I hate germs, so much to the point that I am almost paralyzed when I think there are germs around.
I have a hard time watching movies or playing games, I think it is an attention scan thing.
I LOVE throwing things away! especially during a waning moon, my trash/recycle bins are always full and i love it!
I gave away all of my animals (even a cat I had for 8+ years!) except for our puppy watch too much TV!

100 things about me!

If you are reading this, then TAG! you are it! Your turn!! I'm waiting!! Anyways, I've been working on this for 3-4 days now and have only come up with 72 things... might be 73, I can't seem to get a counter on this thing. OK, tada! for your reading pleasure, 73 (or 74?!) things you might, and might not want to know about Kim!

I'm a homebody
I hate crowds
I hate loud noises
I only like jewelry I pick out
I would protect my husband and son at all costs
I have 3 full siblings, and 7 step-siblings, and out of the 7 step-siblings, there are 2 sets of twin girls from 2 different families!
I have a keen sense of smell and hearing, which isn't always a good thing
I have OCD
My husband accepts everything about me
I only wear silver
I believe in vampires
I believe in unicorns and faeries
I've had too many sexual partners to list
I have 4 tattoo's and want a dozen more
I'm high strung
If I'm making a 'to-do' list, I can relax a bit
I love gay people
I don't believe in a God, that is a man up in heaven or his son.
I stick with religions that celebrate women
I want many more children right away
I talk too much shit eerrr, have lots of strong opinions :)
and love too much
I feel everything and am super sensitive
'To each his own' is very important to me.
Everyday I am grateful to myself that I didn't get my son circumsized
I think dairy is the devil
I don't believe in hell
Side effects from vaccinations scare the shit out of me yet I vaccinated my son
I a hypochondriac
I'm not always nice to my soulmate
I get frustrated easily if things aren't in order
I love Sara Mclaughlin
I love pictures and memories and scrapbooks and journals
I am not in touch with anyone from my highschool except my sisters and my X.
I get cold easily
I love hot baths, but usually fall asleep in them
I am crazy and anal about a lot of things like baby-proofing
I am lazy except when I feel passionate about something
I love being a housewife
I love being a SAHM
I love the first day of snow of the season
I love the moon more than anything
My favorite color is blue
I've been loved deeper than I thought possible
I need to lose 100 lbs.
I wish I could smoke pot
I'm very very picky about porn
I think we should only be allowed to eat organic and local foods...(can i have a side of poison with that?)
I think tattooed men are sexy
I don't ovulate or produce progesterone, yet I do produce too much testorone which is why many think I'm a bitch!
I hate taking pills/prescriptions
I love running errands and making lists
I budget/balance money, etc. every day, several times a day
I hate seeing dead bodies, the ones I've seen before (at funerals) give me nightmares to this day.
I don't think I've slept a night where I don't think someone is going to break in and kill me.
I would like to say to anyone I see wearing fur: "Would you like me to anally electrocute you and your children and then skin you semi-alive, so that I can be trendy?"
Watching Ice skating makes me cry
7 Guys have asked me to marry them
6 Guys have told me I am their soulmate
I have one soulmate god damnit! (Michael of course)
I believe what most psyhics say to me
I'd love to live off the grid and have my family eat only from my garden
I am overly sensitive
I have an addictive personality
I've kissed 4 girls in my life, or was it 5, and yes, alcohol was involved every time
I want to raise my children by the cycles of the earth
16 is my favorite number
One of the main reasons I moved my family when my son was 6 weeks old (and my nephew as 2 days old) was because I wanted to raise him in a place with more seasons...I think that is very important.
School wasn't for me
I'm glad my husband is smart
I feel guilty most of the time for one thing or another, even more so since my son was cut out of me.
Did I mention, my son was upside down inside of me (right side up), and I never knew it!
I couldn't be more in debt to anyone than my husband for making the decision (after the books and materials and huge-ass blow up pool, and umbilical clip, and placenta bowl, etc. were already bought and paid for!!) that we were having our son with the midwives...which led to the hospital which led to a healthy baby, whereas, I was going to birth him at home, and to not get too into it, that would've gone terribly-heartbreakingly wrong- Go Daddy!
I don't believe in hell
I think desert rain is so beautiful and the best smell on earth
I have lots of regrets, but if all of my choices landed me where I was today, then it was all worth it.
Nobody's sunsets are as magnificent as Tucsons!
I love my house and slate tile!
I am finally happy.