Good-bye and on to a new chapter after we regain our sanity!!

Good-bye old friend...

goddess knows i've tried before...
and i'm trying again, at 21 months with a screaming toggler grabbing for the keyboard and the mouse... its time...again, for his teeth...for our sanity...his complete addiction to his rice milk or soy milk bottle...god please help us...this is almost too much too take...as i've already blogged about..i remember his first bottle...when everyone wanted me to breastfeed sooo bad and he was so hungry and wouldn't nurse...forever..then his first bottle...and i knew his tummy was full...and what else in the world mattered??????????? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now we are trying again...but this time, I threw away all of his bottles and bottle paraphenilia and told my husband to dump it all out in the nasty big trash bin so I couldn't dig through in at 1 am and find the only damn thing in this world that soothes him...a playtex begginner nipple! damn you!

So, hes already 4.5 hours late on his nap today because he didn't have his comfort bottle, wish us luck!
His teeth need me to do this so I'm doing it.
I hope my marriage survies this...
he's at the point now where he can't even play because he's not willing to put down the bottle with one hand...(as pictured...)
It's not my fault he never wanted my titty, you know I tried and tried!!! The only thing he wanted was a bottle and now its time to say good bye.....
Oh god...These are pics of his very last soy milk bottle.

Dark Side of the Moon

How did I make it to 29 and have never seen a picture of the dark side of the moon? I go out everynight and look at the moon, when its not new, I know all about its phases and am learning more about its geology...But I've only ever seen one side of this thing I am in love with...interesting..Thank God for the internet with a picture of it...
(moon from earth, moon close up, dark side of the moon!)

Beauty is Pain

Just stole some pics off my husbands website of me a few weeks ago right after I got my tongue and nose pierced...

Couldn't have said it better myself

What a handsome family I have! I have everything I ever wanted, why do I still bitch and bitch!

Anyways, different subject (still bitching though)
I've been going crazy for EVER now with what is healthy for my new family and what is not...then when I find what I believe is healthy, food or herb, etc., a new study comes out saying why it is not. Is it all a conspiracy?!
Just when I was going to rant and rave about it, wonderful Mama-C-ta did it for me. Mucho thanks to her. Seems like we have been doing the same research and I really appreciated her blog because she said it all and I don't have to. I am even looking into a Farm Share program as one of the commenters suggested, because I'm seriously thinking now that unless we eat organic, fresh from a local farm, we are all going to die! hehe, ok, not that morbid but still...
can't we just go back to the days of riding horses (then all we'd have to clean up is horse shit and not the entire freaking environment!), and eating fresh, whole foods. I once read that the number one invention that has led to the obesity epidemic was.....ready for this!? The refridgerator! WHAT?! Because then everything we started eating didn't have to be fresh or so well preserved and processed, that we are already half embalmed when we show up at the mortician! Ok, more being morbid, I guess I'm in a mood.
My sister and I have been researching this shit for years, whats good for us, whats not, why and why not, this ingredient, that herb, you'd think I wouldn't still be so crazy...but afterall, this is me we're talking about!
I was a vegetarian long before little bubba came to us, but now that hes here, I feel crazy about what to feed him, what products to use on him, what to let him drink for christs sake! Thank God theres a greenhouse in my backyard, I just need to get off my ass and learn how to garden for my family. Thanks again Mama C-ta!

Hypocrite? or just picky about germs...you decide :)

I hate germs...its not so much hate, as it is, can't stand them. I can't stand other people's germs...I know a lot of it is OCD because I'm picky about what I can't stand being around me. If someone sneezes or coughs while walking by me at the grocery store, I hold my breath and try to get much distance between us before I have to breathe again...if someone comes too close to me...I find myself holding my breath too! I'm so weird!
It takes my son to show me my stupid rituals sometimes that I don't even notice...Now, everytime we get back into the car after running errands, he asks for the hand sanitizer...(to him it's a game that he gets to spread a tiny amount of something on his hands real fast), but it let me know that I am paralyzed with my fear of germs from the time I get back into the car until I wash my hands. I don't want him to pick up my fears, or my OCD rituals (washing my hands a million times with 2 soaps, etc.)...so I have to get a handle on things. Something I have realized really helps me to relax is my Progesterone prescription my Female doctor gave me. AHHHH!! PROGESTERONE...

OK, I'm off track as usual, while I almost can't function if I feel my hands are dirty or theres germs on the grocery cart,or the dog needs a bath, etc....I have no problem with the messes my son makes during the days...As you can see in the pictures, he likes drawers, and throwing everything out of them first, and 'cooking' which usually ends up with crushed cheerios on the kitchen floor. He is an only child still despite our trying, and I know I give him a little leway if he wants to make sure there is nothing left in any drawer or shelf by the end of the night..
I just do a speed cleaning session before my husband gets home....because! this bothers Him!we are opposite...he doesn't notice every little germ that I do, but if all of the pots and pans and tupperware and utensils are on the floor for the millionth time, I know this bothers him. At least I don't think there are germs when little bubba is doing this.
I think I am like Howard Hughs...he locked himself in a room/house for the last years of his life (if im remembering the movie correctly), because he could only handle his own germs...good thing I'm like that because I get a shower a lot less often now than I used too...I'm pretty greasy if I do say so myself.

Luckily bastians germs and my husbands (thank god) don't bother me...but I could see myself really content in my own little world forever.
This has gotten worse since my sons birth, my claustrophobia, my anxiety, my hate for germs...but all in due time. Thank you to you who have been with me on my journey to healing...Mere Mortal Mama , CreepyUCMama , Midwife, Sage Femme, and emjaybee
.. Amazing women with amazing blogs. Thank you for being in my life. I can feel the optimism and hope
already building in me which is very new. Thank you!

One step closer to healing

I will write more on this when I have a bit more time....but I just wanted to say thank you to Leigh who replied here and all of the amazing women who replied on a wonderful midwifes blog that I ranted on. I felt the love and the support and got advice and websites. I know healing comes in waves but right now I feel so wonderful and even guilty for still hanging on to this pain and regret, because some women don't have their babies to hug and kiss and I do, and what is more important than that? Thank you. 28 hours of pain and 6 weeks of healing and all of the fear was worth it to have him and I would do it all again times a million if I could have the same outcome that I got. So thank you all for helping me on my path. I feel loved and love heals. Thank you.

But all that truly matters is that he is here with us...

God I wish I could find the article, but it was some celebrity saying that she went through 7 hours of labor without an epidural and that she felt 'like a champion!'. What the fuck ever! I went through 23 hours of BACK LABOR without an epidural BEFORE being rushed to the ER so they could cut me open (after telling me I could "lose him") and rip my baby out of me (cutting his cord immediately and giving him jaundice)....and I felt like the biggest loser with so much guilt and most likely always will.

I would've DIED if my mom didn't spray my lower back with HOT water for most of the last half of HELL. (meaning the part where my stupid midwife wasn't making my husband drive me back and forth from our house)- (have you ever had multiple back contractions sitting in your car!?!?) so that I could have some hot water, (my only relief!!!!), because the tubs at the birth center were all being taken although at that point, I WAS THE ONLY ONE CURRENTLY IN LABOR!! BITCHES! Not to mention scaring the shit out of my husband who has suffered tragedy before.


Did I mention that they GLUED the glasses that the baby had to wear under the lights to his 1 day old face!? GLUE! Then, to top it all of they wouldn't let me eat...for days! They said I would have gas and it would hurt the incision that was closed by a bunch of gross staples. EXCUSE ME!? Did I just work my ASS OFF for over a day birthing this baby!? and you bitches are telling me I can't eat? I think I was in an alternate universe. Thank God my mom snuck me in some homemade veg soup and after that my man fed me.

I know....at least he is alive and safe here with me and that I made it too. Don't get me wrong, everyday I'm grateful for that and that truly is all that matters that we are all together...but that doesn't make what happened right.
PS, how could a trained midwife not only be 4 weeks off on a due date but also not know if the baby is breech and backwards!! Seems like those would be 2 very important things to know.

I forgot the saddest/sweetest part

Right when the procedure from hell was finished, Bubba leapt into Daddy's arms and Daddy said to him "say thank you to the dentist" and Bubba, through tears and trauma, said "thank you" He's a better person than I am, thats for damn sure.

Can't believe it

I finally got my tongue and nose pierced. I was so happy to have my nose done again. It hurt for 1 second. The piercer was so good. Then I decided to get my tongue pierced. I had wanted this for a good 10 years now but always thought it would hurt too bad and my X never wanted me to do it. My man, and son were waiting in the car because no children allowed still...hehe..so I got both done and went out and surprised him. He is so cool, he loves it and has helped me during the painful healing time. Another few weeks and I should be good as new, with 2 new piercings. Tattoos to come, when time and money allow, but now I am very happpy...very very happy. It hurt like a bitch when she stuck the needle in, but she was good. Breathing helped a lot. Everyone told me to breathe, for about 20 hours while I was in labor and it didn't help at all! But when I was concentrating on breathing while I was getting pierced, it helped a lot.

Bubba's first trip to the dentist was this morning. IT WAS TRAUMATIZING! It was supposed to be a free, 20 minute check up. I guess babies are supposed to go in at 12 months or when they get their first tooth, so I thought I should take him in now seeing as he's 20 months and has 16 teeth and counting! Turned out to be over an hour of trauma! 2 of his teeth had decay on it. Most likely because I still let him suck on that damn bottle, although I brush his teeth a lot and he is good at letting me. Anyways, she gave him some med, like baby valium to relax him (but he spit 2/3 of it out so was still wide awake) and then some of the good nitris laughing gas, and then he was supposed to lay still while she scraped off the decay, filled it, glazed it, and dried it. Long story short, I was ready to punch everyone in the room in the face about 2 minutes into this ordeal for holding my baby down so tight. The nitris mask was over his eyes so he was scared. Crazy chick holding his head still (bitch!), she was the worst. The dentist scraping away while he was bleeding, trying to bite her, screaming, shaking, snorting, choking, crying, and breaking mama's heart. The worst part is that Daddy had to hold his hands and I had to hold his little legs. I would probably do it all again because now his teeth are very clean and I just have to keep on brushing, and the decay that would have turned into a cavity is gone. So, between over an hour of Bubba crying, having to come up with $130 on a moments notice, and traumatizing my son again, forgetting to take my pain pill for my tongue, and losing my temper with my man because I felt so bad for giving Bubba this damn bottle when he wants it, we had a great morning! heh. Thank God Michael took a couple of hours off work this morning to come with us. Sebastian really needed him and I really needed him. Little man is sleeping right now which he needed. Now, Michael and I are talking about us going to the dentist...neither of us can remember the last time we went, definitely over a decade ago. I guess it will be our turn to cry...

Tattoos and Fire...or the lack of both...

So, my brother gave me a $50 gift certificate to a local tattoo shop that he won at a bar for stripping better than the other guy. We decided today was finally the day I could get one of the 5 new tats I want...since I'm not currently pregnant or breastfeeding and since it would be free mostly! So, we called ahead and they said we didn't need an appointment if we came early, so we bundled up the baby and took off...it's only about 20 minutes away...plus the time it took us to find a parking space (we still aren't used to downtown parking and always forget to have quarters handy). So, we walk in and the guy says there are no kids allowed. This pissed me off because I needed them there to help me with the pain, and its not like hes going to tear the place apart (completely), so anyways, we decided Daddy would take him across the street to the library while I got 1 or 2 tattoos! YES! FINALLY! And thanks to my brother, this might actually be affordable! Then the dude says, let me see if theres a spot open, goes to the back, comes back up and says they are booked but I could leave $50 and make an appointment for another day! WTF! I said to him, my husband just called and you told us to come early, so we did. He really had no response, just wanted me to leave a deposit and make and appointment...I did neither and left, and pouted and bitched to my poor husband for about an hour. I really want to spend this GC...my brother did a lot to earn it and he gave it to me of all people! plus I want tattoos sooo bad! But, now I hate this place. But I really want at tattoo, I think I've mentioned that, OR A NOSE PIERCING! I had one once before, my step-mom took me to get it. I loved it, until my X accidentally tugged on it and it bled everywhere and I gave up on it. But me and my man think they are sexy, so I called the place back to see if they had a piercer. They don't but a couple towns north does. So, for whatever reason, I'm thinking about forgoing my tattoos until my bday or anniversay or some other occasion, and driving up and getting a piercing tommorrow! We shall see :) Thanks brother!


As for fire....My 20 month year old son always watches Daddy start fires in our wood stove and tries to help. We know he is fascinated by the matches and always has Grandma light them for him so he can blow them out. At first this was cute because I thought he would be ready for his 2nd birthday cake. But I've noticed his obsession growing. Tonight, Daddy accidentally left the 'strike on box kitchen wood matches' on the counter. Bubba is so tall now that he can reach the counter and he got the box. I told Daddy not to look at him or take them away or react because I really wanted to see what would happen. Under a very controlled environment while I was watching him without him knowing, and Daddy ready to jump at any moment, we waited to see what could possibly happen if we left them in his range again. He opened the box, got out a match, held it by the wood end, struck it against the side of the box, ONCE!!! And in less than a second, a huge flame! My baby was holding a lit match! Not to mention the open box of matches less than an inch away that could go up in smoke, not to mention the house! I could not believe it. My heart stopped. Of course Daddy got to him in one second and blew it out and now we have promised to only store them on the top top shelf on the cabinet, but still!!! Of course we all hear about how kids playing with matches burn the house down, but my 20 month old!?!?!? With his little tiny hands!! ON HIS FIRST TRY! ALL BY HIMSELF!!! I wouldn't believe it unless I saw it. Oh goodie, ANOTHER Thing to be extremely paranoid about...what is this, #4328? and still counting!! I had no idea how precisely babies mimick us until recently. I knew he was a genius but seriously! SERIOUSLY!!